Thursday, 24 November 2016

In Remembrance of Freddie Mercury...and another

Freddie Mercury died 25 years ago today.  One of the greatest talents that ever lived.

I was reminded of him when someone posted the song "Who wants to live forever" on Facebook today.

I first heard the song in the film The Highlander.  It was in my social work days and I was working with young people coming out of care, and supporting them in the community.  The film was recommended by one of my clients, a young boy just 17 yrs old when I first met him.  He was a very troubled young man who had suffered years of abuse and ended up in care.

This young man died at 19 years old.  He was beginning to turn his life around, was very intelligent and seemed to have a good future ahead of him.   Sadly, that wasn't to be.

He was a big Queen fan, and friends thought it appropriate to play "Who wants to live forever" at his funeral.  One of them got in touch with one of the members of Queen.  They sent a lovely letter of sympathy, together with the album containing the song.  Not only that, they also sent flowers.

I am also a big Queen fan.  Every time I hear this song it makes me cry.  For the loss of a wonderful performer.    But also for the tragic loss of a young man who had his whole life ahead of him but was taken far too soon.

Tuesday, 22 November 2016

Guilty Feelings and Paranoia

Being paranoid has always been part of my depression.   It's a horrible state of mind.  I may say something to someone, or write something, and then on reflection think I may have offended.  Worse still I can also feel that I am disliked or even hated.

When I'm not depressed, and more rational, I can put it all into perspective and realise that my feelings are unfounded...but it takes a while for it to fall into place.  I'm not sure those who don't suffer these feelings will understand what I'm saying, but those who do will get it, I'm sure.

These thoughts came to the surface again during the last few days.

Kaya had to sell our car.  Financially it was a drain on resources, particularly as he has been out of work for a while.  It also meant that he could attempt to start up a small business with the proceeds so at least he would have something positive to focus on.  This is all underway and we are hopeful that it will get off the ground in the not too distant future.   He gave me some money from the proceeds, which, along with a gift from a friend, enabled me to book two nights away in Izmir next week with a friend.  Something we have talked about for a while, but which I wasn't sure I could afford.  So now I was in a position to go ahead.

Then come the feelings of guilt, because at the same time I realised that I would soon have to ask for help again with funding for the animals we care for....our 12 rescues and the others in the village and at the sanayi.  So I naturally feel that I shouldn't be wasting money on a trip but should be using the money for the dogs and cats instead.

I actually wrote a post for my Facebook page to ask for help, but then didn't post it...because I felt guilty.

At the same time, something cropped up about people who operate scams connected with animal welfare.   They raise huge amounts of money which apparently lines their pockets rather than benefit animals in need.  This can have a bad effect on the genuine rescuers, because naturally people are wary and are reluctant to donate if they feel that they are being scammed.

So I then start to wonder if those who help me with my work, may think the same about me.  This is what paranoia does.  Hence, no post on Facebook.   I had a good response in October, and I was so grateful as it enabled me to stock up with food, medication, flea collars, and also to clear vet bills.  But so far have received just one gift during November, so funds are starting to run low.

I did discuss these feelings with a close friend today, and she told me that my planned trip and the work I do with animals are two separate things.  She also suggested that I write about it.  So here it is.  I'm not sure if it helps me, and part of me still feels I should cancel my trip because the animals come first, but maybe when I'm in a better frame of mind, I'll look at it differently.

This post wasn't easy to write.  It makes me feel vulnerable. However, I have an overwhelming need to be honest.  I will only post it on my group page because some of it may help others genuinely involved in animal welfare and rescue.  They may also think that they could be tarred with the same brush as scammers.  The genuine ones that I have come to know, will, like me, just keep going regardless.

Thursday, 17 November 2016

Looking forward

You might recall my last blog post when I talked about the need sometimes to escape (HERE) and of course I spent nine days in England from the 4th to 13th and had a lovely time.  It was wonderful to have  time with my daughter and grandsons, having not seen them since February.

The boys are growing and changing all the time and I miss them so much.  It's really difficult to say goodbye.  I'm hoping it won't be too long before I'm able to see them again.

I do find the travelling exhausting, and  never sleep well in a different bed.  I was also very stressed about one of the sanayi dogs, Elif, who had been badly injured in a traffic accident.  In spite of my insisting she be put to sleep, the vet disagreed and wanted to operate.  To cut a long, sad, story short, she was kept at the clinic for several days and Kaya removed her and took her to Mugla.  All this happened whilst I was away so it was constantly on my mind.

The Mugla vet hoped to operate but promised that if there was no improvement he would euthanise her.  She waited another week and eventually the decision was made to end her suffering. It should have happened sooner of course, but at least she is now at peace.

An enthusiastic welcome awaited me from the dogs, and also Kaya (although I think maybe he was relieved that I had returned to clean the house, do the washing, ironing, etc...he does his best, but men, and in particular Turkish men, don't find household chores easy!).

He has been busy in the garden though, and there are repairs to be undertaken to the fencing around the big dogs' area which were damaged during strong winds.  In fact, Melek, Chas and Blondie managed to escape through a gap which was quite worrying.  However, they returned none the worse for their adventure.

Kaya is still not working and there are no jobs around.  He has wanted to get out of tourism for some time now which I think, in the current situation in Turkey, is a good idea.

We made a decision to sell the car, and stick with the motorbike.  Not an easy decision but financially it makes sense.  It also means that Kaya is hoping to start up a small business with the proceeds of the sale.  I won't talk too much about that at the moment as I don't want to tempt fate, but he is not someone who will just sit around waiting for something to fall into his lap.  So we'll see how it goes.  Fingers crossed.

He also insisted that I have a little of the money for myself.  So that, together with a gift from a friend, will enable me to go to Izmir for a two day break on the 28th.  It's something I've been hoping to do with my dear friend Fleur, and we had been making provisional plans.  So the hotel is now booked...with a request for a bath of course, and we are really looking forward to it.

Thanks to gifts over the past month or so, we were able to settle vet bills and stock up with food, and to all those who have have my most grateful thanks.

We will of course have to stock up again soon, so if anyone would like to help, please email me at, or send me a message on Facebook (the link to my group page is on the sidebar).

Have a good weekend everyone xx