Pages

Friday, 19 February 2016

ANXIETY

Feeling constantly anxious is part of my everyday life.  It goes hand in hand with my depression and paranoia.  Those who have followed my blog for some time will have occasionally seen posts like this one.

There are two reasons for putting my thoughts and feelings here.  Firstly, those of you suffering from any kind of mental health problem will recognise them and maybe you won't feel so alone.  Secondly, when I am feeling as low and anxious as I am at the moment, writing about it sometimes puts it into perspective and can help me to cope.

So I am here in England for 12 days and should be happy, right?  Then why am I waking up each morning in tears? Why am I feeling like this?

There are things going on both within my family and in the outside world that make me incredibly anxious.  This is not ordinary anxiety and concern ...it is way off the scale.   I can't talk to anyone here about my feelings.  In fact there are very few people I can talk to these days.  People have their own problems.  I don't like to bother them...so I write about it instead.

So then the paranoia raises its ugly head.  Feeling hurt at the slightest innocent remark.  Reacting badly to such remarks.  Apologising but receiving no sign of being forgiven.   Making conversation but feeling that you are being ignored.  Always asking how others are and showing concern and interest, even though they don't ask how I'm feeling.    Generally feeling like a bloody nuisance.

So that's the self-indulgent part of depression.  It is a selfish illness made all the harder if you are not a selfish person by nature.  That perhaps sounds like a contradiction.   I do care a great deal, perhaps too much, about my family, friends, people and animals......and what's happening every day in this violent uncaring world.  But I sometimes feel that when it comes to my needing a bit of understanding, there's no-one there.  So it's all too easy to sink into a black hole and feel sorry for myself.

So there it is...off my chest...and I'm feeling better already (well just a bit)

Now I can talk about the best bit of my visit.  Two hectic days in Bristol with Stella, Billy and Jimi.  We arrived after midday on Monday and left at 2pm on Tuesday, but managed to cram an awful lot in.  We visited @Bristol Science Museum on Monday afternoon. Dinner out in the evening.  There are so many lovely restaurants in Bristol.  After a hearty breakfast at the hotel on Tuesday we visited Bristol Aquarium and then M Shed which is a museum dedicated to the people and history of Bristol.

After a quick lunch we headed back on the train feeling quite exhausted but I think the boys enjoyed themselves.

Much has been going on at home while I've been here.  Another bomb in Ankara and further attacks in the east of Turkey.  Warships being sent to the Aegean to apparently deal with the traffickers taking refugees to Greece...quite how this works or what will happen to the refugees is not altogether clear.  No doubt even more suffering for these people who have already been through far too much.

So it's a worrying time and no doubt I'm not the only one feeling anxious about the future.

12 comments:

  1. Staying in others' homes is an anxiety trigger for even the most unflappable individuals as it's difficult to ascertain the unspoken house rules. Hope you feel better when you get home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure I will BtoB. Thankyou xx

      Delete
  2. I do hope that being with the boys helps this to go over...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It does Helen. You have to put on a brave face for kids, but by doing that, you actually do start to feel braver!

      Delete
  3. I feel for u ı suffered for a long tıme with paranoıa and anxıety and made worse when ur not ın your own home ı dont normally read blogs but urs spoke to me ın truth ı kında felt lıke you where talkıng about me (not ın a weırd way) although not beıng a good wrıter my self ıts musıc that help me clear my head. hope ur ok and feelıng better for wrıtıng xxx s.şeker

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi. Thankyou for reading and I hoped it helped a little for you to know that so many others suffer in the same way. I think music works for a lot of people. Writing works for me and yes I do feel a little better for it. Thankyou xxx

      Delete
  4. Sorry to here you've been feeling like this and hope it will pass soon. As you've lived with this for a good while..... you KNOW it will pass.

    You've been to Bristol, my home city!!!!!! I didn't know you were coming. Its a great place. What a pity we couldn't have met up. Maybe another time.
    Maggie x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I'd have loved to have met up Maggie. Although the time there was a bit of a whirlwind! I like Bristol so will definitely visit again. xxx

      Delete
  5. {{hugs}}
    Happy that you're having a good visit with the kids, and I hope the feelings of anxiety ease a bit. I agree, once the spiral starts it can be hard to spin out of it. I think a lot of what I do involves constantly reminding myself not to react to or internalise the thoughts and words of others. Hard to explain in a blog comment! But the more I can distance myself from other's reactions, the easier it is to achieve an equilibrium. But then I worry that I'm swinging too much the other way, and being uncaring or cold...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I completely get what you're saying Deniz. I try to do the same although I'm not always successful. I had a good time with the kids. I'm back home now and I think my familiar surroundings have helped to lift me a bit xx

      Delete
  6. I'm so sorry to be late coming to this, Ayak, and I hope the anxiety has eased a bit now you're back home. One of my sisters suffers from severe anxiety at times, so I know a little of how hard it is to live with these feelings. Sending hugs from Wales. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks P. It's always with me. Some days are better than others though. Keeping busy helps xx

      Delete

I love getting comments, but don't feel obliged...I'm just happy you're reading my blog.

Posts are moderated to avoid spam, so if you post under "Anonymous",leave your name at the end of your comment so that I know it's a "real" person!.

If you would like to help my rescue dogs and the strays (dogs and cats) of our village and local industrial estate, please email me for details at lindaikaya@hotmail.com Thankyou x